My Dad: The First Line of Defense Against Gay World Domination

My father is convinced that homosexuals want nothing more than to recruit players to their team. This will be accomplished by gays infiltrating traditional institutions and corrupting them. Dear old dad was always ultra-vigilant in the men's room, gruffly rebuking anybody who dared look somewhere other than straight ahead with a, "Hey! Don't look at me, man!" (You would think he would avoid places where men's pants were unzipped with regularity, but bathrooms attract my dad like honey attracts flies. )

My father was not going to allow the gays to get the best of him, so growing up, my dad always told me that he was planning to point blank ask any man who wanted to marry me if he was a homosexual. I took this in stride, since, relatively speaking, it would be one of the lesser things my dad had done to mortify me. Also, since I wasn't allowed to date, the likelihood that I'd be getting married was slim to none. (Note: my secret high school boyfriend actually was gay; I just thought he was a gentleman).

Enter John: the man who swept me off my feet and got us engaged in all of six weeks. In between staring adoringly into each other's eyes and making up our own secret language, I had to prepare him to meet my dad. Thankfully, John was secure enough in his manhood (and madly in love with me) that he was willing to allow my father to question his sexuality. After my dad got that out of the way, he moved on to the much more legitimate and pressing concern of how John was going to support me: "You deliver the pizza and have a miserable B.S."

I always wondered why my father thought that a homosexual trying to infiltrate mainstream society via marriage to his daughter would actually answer honestly: "Dammit! You foiled my plan!" I would hope if gays were trying to take over the world, they'd be more organized, and not send troops into the field that would crack under the pressure of being questioned by a homophobic boater.