Clean, but wet? Or dirty, but dry?

That is the question.

Americans, as a general rule,  are not bidet users.  I expect it's because we aren't used to the sensation of a jet of water aimed at our nether regions. While it seems that this is changing with the advent of the sort of portable, installable bidet - not just for Mtv Cribs anymore - bidets have been a staple of foreign bathrooms for as long as indoor plumbing has been commonplace. 

My in-laws tell a story from the 1960s when they were backpacking through Europe, or living in Germany, or camping in Sweden, not sure which European adventure they were referring to, but they were booking a hotel room and they were asked if they would like a room with a bidet or without a bidet.  Since they're American and prefer to travel on the cheap (bidet = more money), they said, "without."  As the story goes, the hotel staff treated them like lepers because what kind of nasty-ass (literally) people wouldn't use a bidet? It was embarrassing.  On the flip side, this was also the time in Europe where the only people who used deodorant had some kind of body odor disease.  Which led to them getting strange looks while trying to buy some antiperspirant at the pharmacy - it was behind the counter.  I guess this was a sort of a reverse boater experience.  

My mom always told me that people in the middle east love bidets.  I speculated out loud how one was supposed to dry off, and she always told me it was much cleaner than simply leaving feces residue in your nether areas. 

Generally, this was followed with a mumbled unsavory story from her gynecology practice about somebody who could've used the services of a home bidet.  I always felt bad for whomever she was talking about:  seriously, how many people would pass what essentially is a crotch sniff test?  I always thought it was strange, then, that my parents' bathroom didn't have one - their home was custom built, after all. 

Sidebar: Still, no real answer on the drying off.  One would imagine toilet paper was involved, but wet toilet paper makes a bigger mess and may stick to your parts - just like it sticks to the ceiling of middle school bathrooms.  Is there a special towel that you're supposed to carry with you? A specific way of folding the toilet paper? An unwritten rule that when someone has a bidet, an outside user could look through their cabinets and help themselves to paper towels? My theory is that you use the toilet paper as best you can, and then use the hand towels to pat dry.  Yes, this could be gross, but I think if you got the hang of it, combined toilet paper and hand towel use could be completely sanitary. After all, I'm not talking about rubbing the towel in between the cheeks, just a gentle pat on the the cheeks.  

A part of the landscape of my parents' bathroom and the guest bathroom was a watering can.  Now, as I've told you before, my dad loves plants and trees and cultivating them is a great hobby of his, but we didn't have many plants in the house, and certainly not in the bathrooms.  I never thought about the watering cans. Then, one day...Ding Ding Ding!  I made the connection:  DIY bidets!  The long skinny spout on the watering can was ideal for aiming properly at the offending area.  Once again, not being a coordinated person, I couldn't figure out how one would do this, but my dad especially was very fastidious, so I'm sure there was an optimal way to aim the pitcher.  

Much to her pleasure, and my daughters', mom had her bathroom retrofitted with an in-bowl bidet.  But the guest bathroom still has the pitcher, for those so inclined. 

Still no direct answer on the drying off, though.