Wednesday, August 4, 2010

What do Iraqi men find manly?

Middle eastern men are notoriously concerned with machismo. Unfortunately for them, even though in the homeland they may be studly, by American standards, they appear cheesy or just unhygienic. Some things to look for:

1. Iraqi men love mustaches. If you can grow a thick, lush mustache then you are a man. Pity those boys who are late developers; they are clearly inferior, possibly gay. Watch news footage of demonstrations/celebrations for examples of this phenomenon: sign expressing my hatred of the west, check. Rifle to shoot in the air, check. Mustache wax, check.

Personal note: My cousin immigrated to the States while he was still in high school. He arrived sporting a thick, black, hair across his upper lip; he clearly thought he was the sh%t. At first, his classmates thought he was going for an ironic, retro, sort of Freddy Mercury vibe. When they realized he was serious, he became the weird boater with a caterpillar on his face.

2. Unibrows. While usually the subject of ridicule to Americans, unibrows symbolize manlinesss. Once again, more hair equals more virility.

Personal note: My non-boater cousin, in an effort to combat his unibrow tendencies underwent some laser hair removal to separate his conjoined eyebrows. My father was surprised and told his nephew that in Iraq, men are proud to have hair between their eyebrows. My cousin's response: "Well in America, it's embarrassing and gross." I think my dad may have taken these words to heart because his eyebrows are considerably less connected. Maybe it's old age.

3. Deodorant is feminine. Cologne is manly. To be fair, deodorant is adopted fairly quickly by boaters. New arrivals, however, generally smell like b.o. overlaid with some pre-war fragrance or some black market designer impostor.

Personal note: My dad was a late adopter of deodorant. A fellow boater had to pretty much have a "come to Jesus" talk with my dad about it. Mostly, I guess, this talk consisted of assuring my dad that he wouldn't turn gay if he used a little Sure.

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